Apostolic Momma

When You Feel Like a Failure

I started my day off feeling like a failure. How’s your morning going? Back on July 4^th, I realized there was exactly 180 days until the end of the year. I had the idea to use these 180 days to “do a 180^o” and transform my life. I deleted all social media apps from my phone and determined to spend more time in prayer, fasting, and reading the Word.

I was pumped for a little while. You know how it is when you get a new piece of exercise equipment and use it every day? Then every other day… maybe twice a week… when the mood strikes? Yeah, that’s how my 180^ois going. At first, I would wake up early to pray before work and pray each night before bed. I would read my Bible and books on prayer or listen to sermons. I looked forward to fasting once a week and spending more time with God.

But lately, when my alarm goes off in the morning, I just roll over and go back to sleep. Sometimes I pray that day, sometimes I don’t. I listen to the Bible App read the Word to me, but sometimes I’m thinking about other things. My weekly fast has lost its appeal. That extra time with God has often been replaced by playing games on my phone. It only took three weeks to slip back into my old routine, and I feel like a failure.

God’s Cry

I have seen and heard this expression many times in the last few years. I usually think to myself that God must really like spending time with me, since I feel lonely much of the time. Then tonight, I felt like God said to me, “Maybe you wouldn’t feel so lonely if you spent more time with Me to begin with.”

What Kind of Mom…

What kind of mom sometimes gives up on making dinner because her kids snack too much beforehand then never eat it anyway?

What kind of mom buys her kids treats at the grocery store even though they misbehaved so she doesn’t have to endure the meltdown if she says no?

What kind of mom sets limits on screen time then ignores it because she is finally able to take a bath in peace?

What kind of mom buys her kids clothes and toys then complains when they are strewn all over the living room?

What kind of mom makes the kids go outside and play so she can clean the house but ends up scrolling through social media?

What kind of mom takes her kids to the park but only stays for thirty minutes because she’s too doggone cold?

What kind of mom tries so hard to be perfect and cries because she knows she’ll never get there?

What kind of mom has overwhelming fears that she may be ruining her kids?

A good mom. A normal mom. A mom like me. I have done every single one of these things at some point. I know you have heard it before, but I’ll say it again: “The fact that you worry if you’re a good mom is proof that you are one.” Why? A bad mom wouldn’t care one way or the other.

Motherhood is hard. We are accountable for raising moral, responsible, well-mannered adults, and it’s a twenty-four-hour job. It’s even more difficult if you’re doing it alone, like me. I constantly feel like I’m failing. But when I tuck them into bed every night to hugs and kisses and “I love you mom”- I know I must be doing something right.

As long as the good outweighs the bad and the happy outweighs the sad, they will grow up and be glad… they have a great mom. A mom like you.

Writer’s Block

I’ve been wanting to write something for a while now. Sometimes, I feel I don’t have anything worthwhile to say. Experts say when you have writer’s block, the best thing to do is just write. Odd how that works. So here I am just writing whatever comes to mind- assuming something will.

Embrace the Quirks

When my older son lived with me two years ago, he loved to watch funny videos on his phone. When he saw one he thought I would enjoy, I would hear, “Hey mom…” before he would show me his phone. All day long at random times, “Hey mom…” While washing dishes, cooking dinner, folding laundry, paying bills- “Hey mom…” To be honest, it got quite annoying until I realized that was his way of hanging out with me, so to speak.

Remembering Normal

A health scare last month caused me to quit caffeine cold turkey. I had the typical nine days of headaches and irritability, but then something strange happened. I’ve been feeling really “off” for a couple of weeks. I’ve struggled with mild depression and anxiety for most of my adult life, but this feels different.

Delayed but Not Denied

There once was a boy who was six months away from his eighteenth birthday. Almost an adult now, he wanted nothing more than to have his own car. All his friends had their own car, but he was still taking the bus to school. Anytime he wanted to go somewhere, he had to find a ride, walk, or ride his bike. It just wasn’t fair.

It’s Ok

Soulful Steps

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I love my Fitbit. I try to get at least 6,000 steps or 30 active minutes per day (active minutes meaning 30 minutes of continuous movement). This is not as easy as one would think considering I have a desk job and it’s getting chilly outside.

Some days I aim for just getting the 6,000 steps while other days I try for the 30 active minutes. If I’m feeling particularly active, I will go for both! On those days, it would make sense for me to walk quickly or even jog to get the most steps possible in 30 minutes. This made me think about the spiritual application of time.