So there I was, having a rough night and lamenting to my friend, asking, “When is God going to send me someone??” Boohoo… Rather than further exhaust my poor friend with my pitiful life-woos, I decided to go pray about it. I am so glad I did.
After about thirty minutes of pleading my case to God, I admitted to Him that I was also jealous of how other people can pray the way I only wish I could. Then I remembered a picture someone posted today that said, “No shortcuts exist. The person who would know God must give time to Him.”
Suddenly, it hit me like a ton of bricks: Why would God bless someone whom He doesn’t even know? Sure, He knows of me. I go to church every service and sing in the choir. My kids go to the church school, and I pay tithes. I go to prayer meetings and church workdays. But does He know me?
I was in prayer today when the thought of my parents came into my spirit. I thank God they are now friends after 40 years of no communication. Suddenly a well of thankfulness rose up in me, and I began to weep. You see, my parents divorced when I was two; and my whole life, I have no memory of them even speaking to each other–let alone being in the same room.
I started my day off feeling like a failure. How’s your morning going? Back on July 4th, I realized there was exactly 180 days until the end of the year. I had the idea to use these 180 days to “do a 180o” and transform my life. I deleted all social media apps from my phone and determined to spend more time in prayer, fasting, and reading the Word.
I was pumped for a little while. You know how it is when you get a new piece of exercise equipment and use it every day? Then every other day… maybe twice a week… when the mood strikes? Yeah, that’s how my 180o is going. At first, I would wake up early to pray before work and pray each night before bed. I would read my Bible and books on prayer or listen to sermons. I looked forward to fasting once a week and spending more time with God.
But lately, when my alarm goes off in the morning, I just roll over and go back to sleep. Sometimes I pray that day, sometimes I don’t. I listen to the Bible App read the Word to me, but sometimes I’m thinking about other things. My weekly fast has lost its appeal. That extra time with God has often been replaced by playing games on my phone. It only took three weeks to slip back into my old routine, and I feel like a failure.
The weather forecast calls for temperatures in the 80s and 90s this week. The kids and I are going camping with our church this weekend. People are still swimming and taking their boats out on the lake. But I can tell winter is coming.
The leaves on the tree outside my bedroom window started turning from green to red a couple weeks ago. Many of them have already fallen to the ground. The night air is too crisp to sleep with the window open, and my feet are cold against the kitchen floor in the morning. The kids have started back to school, and I was starting to lose hope in my dreams for this year.
I learned something today- life’s not fair. The rich get richer while the poor stay poor. Innocent children die of horrible diseases while various adults treat their bodies horribly and live into old age. Couples who would be excellent parents can’t conceive while others abuse their children. Some married couples fight constantly and cheat while their single friends dream of having a spouse.
That is just life, and it’s not fair. I’m not the only one who thinks so. The Bible is full of people asking God about the unfairness of it all:
We don’t always know why we go through hard things. Painful things. Depressing things. Heartbreaking things. Sometimes, there is a “reason” at the end, and we understand. Sometime there isn’t, and we are left wondering why. Why did this happen? But more importantly, why did God let this happen?