December 13, 2018
Last night, I was having a conversation with Joe* about a sensitive issue for me and about how I have prayed and prayed about not only this issue but many others. He tried to encourage me, as he always does, but I went to my room feeling sorry for myself.
I tried to pray, but instead poured my frustrations out to God. I even called myself names and told God how worthless I was for not being able to change myself into the woman and mother I want to be. I have had this conversation many, many times with God, but tonight He gave me a word.
A Timely Word
He told me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He also said I am the perfect mother for my kids. Not that I am the “perfect mother”, but the perfect one for my kids. I even said these truths out loud to myself- which felt like a lie at first- but sank into my heart upon repeating.
Today, I looked up the original meanings of “fearfully” and “wonderfully” as used in the Bible. Fearfully means “to cause astonishment and awe”, and wonderfully means “separate or distinct, singular or unique”. So… “I will praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” can mean “awesomely, astonishingly, distinctly, and uniquely made”.
Comparison is the Thief of Joy
And all this time I’ve been comparing myself to every other woman in the world, wanting to be like them!
- Yes, I have a short temper and yell too much.
- Yes, I am often lazy and let my house get destroyed.
- Yes, I hide in my room behind my phone or a book instead of spending time with my kids because I’m tired.
- Yes, we never go anywhere because I hate spending money and being cold (it is winter after all).
- Yes, I say things before thinking (or after thinking and say them anyway) and see the hurt look on my loved ones faces.
- Yes, I make dinner from a box most days because I’m tired and the kids won’t eat it anyway.
- Yes, I set an alarm in the morning to wake up and pray but hit snooze and go back to sleep.
- Yes, I often check my social media or email before talking to God first.
- Yes, I rarely sign up for anything extra at church because I’m usually overwhelmed with just work and kids.
- Yes, I wish I could cook, bake, sing, write, paint, decorate, create, dress like any other woman besides myself.
Who am I?
I am not proud of any of these things, and I wish I could change each and every one of them. But I now feel the need to come to grips with who I am before I can change into who I want to be. Because, I don’t really know who I want to be, to be honest.
I want to be who God called me to be, but who is that? Who is she? How do I find out? I don’t quite know. But I know it’s not someone else. My friends are all wonderful, amazing women, but they aren’t me.
I am a mother, sister, daughter, aunt, niece, friend, nurse, and saint- and I don’t feel that I do any of them well. I mean, I feed and love my kids, call my mom, go to church, pay tithes, read my bible, pray, and do my job as a nurse, but I only do enough to get by. I only skim the surface of what I’m capable of.
Full of Potential
Even my teachers always wrote on my report cards “Yolanda does not work up to her true potential.” Even they could see it, I am capable of so much more than I do.
What holds me back then? Laziness? Boredom? Fear? All of the above? I’m not sure. But I do know I am tired of being the same girl doing the same things year after year- praying the same old prayers and never getting anywhere. Never growing or changing. Never living up to my potential. Never being who God has called me to be and fulfilling my purpose.
Fulfilling My Purpose
What is my purpose? To be a mom and raise godly kids? Maybe. It is what I struggle with the most. What are some things I enjoy? Reading. Church. Singing. Music. Dancing. Hiking. Writing. Babies. Perhaps my purpose is in there somewhere. Someone once said that purpose is tied to service. It is when we serve that we find our purpose, calling, ministry. Where can I serve?
I have to find my true self. No more struggling with who the enemy tells me I am or who I wish to be- who am I really and who am I made to be?
To be continued…
Apostolic Momma 