So there I was, having a rough night and lamenting to my friend, asking, “When is God going to send me someone??” Boohoo… Rather than further exhaust my poor friend with my pitiful life-woos, I decided to go pray about it. I am so glad I did.
After about thirty minutes of pleading my case to God, I admitted to Him that I was also jealous of how other people can pray the way I only wish I could. Then I remembered a picture someone posted today that said, “No shortcuts exist. The person who would know God must give time to Him.”
Suddenly, it hit me like a ton of bricks: Why would God bless someone whom He doesn’t even know? Sure, He knows of me. I go to church every service and sing in the choir. My kids go to the church school, and I pay tithes. I go to prayer meetings and church workdays. But does He know me?
I love my Fitbit. Every hour it vibrates to let me know that I need to get up and move. When I first got it a little over a year ago, I would actually get up and walk around until I got my 250 steps in for that hour. Over time though, I would ignore the vibration periodically.
I just checked the app to see when’s the last time I got all my hourly steps in during the day. Y’all, it was February of last year! What happened?
Texas was home for my first eighteen years until 1997 when I moved up north to first Montana then Washington. I now have four children and due to the cost of plane tickets, I am only able to go visit every two to three years. In fact, until this past December, I hadn’t been home for Christmas since before I left in 1996.
Imagine you’re lying in bed next to your spouse, eagerly waiting for them to wake up. You gaze upon them quietly with love and admiration until finally they open their eyes. But the first thing they do is grab their phone and check for missed messages or emails. They don’t even bother to say good morning to you.
All these letters I’ve been posting lately really make me realize how broken I was for five years. Today on the way to church I was listening to “Waymaker”– which, by the way, is one of my favorite songs, and if you’ve never heard it, I highly suggest you take a listen- and I was thinking back about how God has been working in my life.
One part of the song says,
“Even when I don’t feel it, you’re working.
Even when I don’t see it, you’re working.
You never stop, you never stop working.”
That part really resonates with me because oftentimes, I can’t feel or see God at work, but I know he never stops working.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety for about 19 years. Recently, it got to a very scary place where life felt completely meaningless. Not only my life, but all life in general (but that is another post for another day).
My pastor introduced me to Nouthetic counseling and asked me to look up and memorize 20 verses on “the mind”. I wrote these on index cards and carried them around until I memorized them. Most of them are very familiar verses, but some may be new to you. I hope they help.