I have been struggling for the past ten years or so with feeling like an imposter. I know that on June 7, 2011, God filled me with the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues. However, for whatever reason, I’ve rarely been able to speak/pray in tongues since the initial month or so. The capability quite literally disappeared one day; it seems.
When I try to pray, thoughts like “You don’t have the Holy Ghost”, “You aren’t saved”, “You’re not like everyone else”, “If you die, you’re going to hell”, “You’re a fake Apostolic” … and more run through my head. Only my pastor and a handful of others know about this issue until now. Maybe this will help someone to know that you are not alone if this is your struggle too.
What kind of mom sometimes gives up on making dinner because her kids snack too much beforehand then never eat it anyway?
What kind of mom buys her kids treats at the grocery store even though they misbehaved so she doesn’t have to endure the meltdown if she says no?
What kind of mom sets limits on screen time then ignores it because she is finally able to take a bath in peace?
What kind of mom buys her kids clothes and toys then complains when they are strewn all over the living room?
What kind of mom makes the kids go outside and play so she can clean the house but ends up scrolling through social media?
What kind of mom takes her kids to the park but only stays for thirty minutes because she’s too doggone cold?
What kind of mom tries so hard to be perfect and cries because she knows she’ll never get there?
What kind of mom has overwhelming fears that she may be ruining her kids?
A good mom. A normal mom. A mom like me. I have done every single one of these things at some point. I know you have heard it before, but I’ll say it again: “The fact that you worry if you’re a good mom is proof that you are one.” Why? A bad mom wouldn’t care one way or the other.
Motherhood is hard. We are accountable for raising moral, responsible, well-mannered adults, and it’s a twenty-four-hour job. It’s even more difficult if you’re doing it alone, like me. I constantly feel like I’m failing. But when I tuck them into bed every night to hugs and kisses and “I love you mom”- I know I must be doing something right.
As long as the good outweighs the bad and the happy outweighs the sad, they will grow up and be glad… they have a great mom. A mom like you.
Apostolic Momma 
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