I’ve Been There

black and white. person in the dark peeking through a light-filled hole in the wall.

May 2, 2019

Listen, I’ve been there. Maybe not exactly where you are, but there. I’ve suffered with anorexia and told myself I was fat and worthless for eating fruit while wearing a size 3. I’ve been physically, mentally, and emotionally abused while being made to feel like I was the bad one.

Lost custody of my kids then told I was a horrible mother for it. Locked myself in the bathroom and cut my arms while my older kids screamed and cried, pounding on the door.

Mental Anguish

Curled up on the bed while bawling and screaming, “I don’t want to live anymore!!” Lived in my car and motels. Slept through whole days so I wouldn’t have to deal with my depression. Escaped into the bathroom at work while suffering from anxiety attacks. Cried in the shower or held it together until the kids went to bed then cried myself to sleep. Cried all the way to work and back home.

Dealt with negative thoughts racing so badly I felt like I was on the brink of insanity. Obsessively scrolling through social media for hours to distract myself from the anxiety and depression. All of this, over and over, for 22 years.

We Hide it Well

Guess how many people knew about all of this? Maybe 3.

It’s ok to not be ok because the reality is, most of us are not ok at some point. Sure, most people won’t go through what I went through, but they have most likely dealt with something.

We hide it well.

We put on our masks and pretend everything is fine because, in some ways, it’s easier than letting someone in and explaining everything. But the real kicker? When you let someone in, you take away some of the mental illness’s power. It loves the dark. It wants you to hide, cover things up, and keep it a secret. Then it tortures you night and day.

Shine the Light

But, if you throw the covers off and shine a light on it, you’ll see it’s not as huge and looming as you thought. It’s like when your shadow stretches along the wall and you appear to be 8 feet tall. I know there are brain chemicals and neurotransmitters and things get out of whack- but that’s just part of it.

If you ever- EVER- feel like you have nobody to talk to, nobody who understands or who won’t judge you, please know that you can talk to me. I am getting better and some days are better than others. It doesn’t go in a straight line. Some days I feel awesome and the next day I might be back down again. But it’s 2 steps forward to every step back.

With the help of God, my pastor, and church family, I WILL overcome, and so can you. God bless.

Published by

Apostolic Momma

Single mother of four children living in Washington state. Received the precious Holy Ghost on June 7, 2011 and living the good life ever since!

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