Ramblings from the Wilderness-Part One

*If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.

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No date- circa 2015

Dear Jesus,

I feel so alone, empty, and joyless. I don’t quite know what’s wrong with me, and I sure don’t know how to fix it. I know you see me as I drive to and from work. I just sit there staring off into space with this void in my soul. This is how I truly feel- empty. I feel that the life has been sucked out of me. Like all hope is gone. I feel so lost. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I don’t know how to take care of my kids. I don’t know how we are going to survive.

So much weighs on my mind day after day. It has robbed me of all joy and happiness. I am no longer good company, and nobody wants me around. I can’t even stand myself most of the time. I am jealous of other people‘s happiness. I hate seeing happy couples and complete families who love each other. That’s all I ever wanted in life, but it seems unattainable. I hate being so negative all the time.

I hate putting a damper on other people‘s happiness and blessings. I want to be happy for them. But that’s me for now I guess. I’m so miserable that I want to make sure everyone knows. But yet I put on this brave face and smile. Nobody sees the hurt. Nobody sees me cry. Nobody sees the pain, emptiness, and loneliness. All they see is a strong, courageous woman. But that’s not me. I am weak and broken. I am sad and lonely.

Do I ask for help? Do I get some “happy pills”? Do I keep praying and believing things will get better? I don’t know which way to turn. My faith is dying. My soul is dry. I cry out to You and feel better in the moment, only to return to my wilderness of sorrow the next day. I feel that I can’t go on, but yet I must. I know I can’t give up, but I have no strength to fight. I need peace, love, and joy. I need strength. I need someone to talk to. I need a best friend. I need a revival in my spirit. I pray for these things, but they never come.

I feel like David crying out in the wilderness, or Job sobbing for 20-something chapters with no reply from You. Please help me. Please give me love, joy, and peace. I was there once. I had it all once. Please forgive me for not appreciating what I had. Please give me another chance. Thank you, Lord, for all that you have given me and for all that you’ve done. I ask these things of you in Jesus’ name, amen.

Yolanda