Ramblings from the Wilderness-Part One

desert wilderness with red sand and two small mountains

*If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.


No date- circa 2015

Dear Jesus,

I feel so alone, empty, and joyless. I don’t quite know what’s wrong with me, and I sure don’t know how to fix it. I know you see me as I drive to and from work. I just sit there staring off into space with this void in my soul. This is how I truly feel- empty. I feel that the life has been sucked out of me. Like all hope is gone. I feel so lost. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I don’t know how to take care of my kids. I don’t know how we are going to survive.

So much weighs on my mind day after day. It has robbed me of all joy and happiness. I am no longer good company, and nobody wants me around. I can’t even stand myself most of the time. I am jealous of other people‘s happiness. I hate seeing happy couples and complete families who love each other. That’s all I ever wanted in life, but it seems unattainable. I hate being so negative all the time.

I hate putting a damper on other people‘s happiness and blessings. I want to be happy for them. But that’s me for now I guess. I’m so miserable that I want to make sure everyone knows. But yet I put on this brave face and smile. Nobody sees the hurt. Nobody sees me cry. Nobody sees the pain, emptiness, and loneliness. All they see is a strong, courageous woman. But that’s not me. I am weak and broken. I am sad and lonely.

Do I ask for help? Do I get some “happy pills”? Do I keep praying and believing things will get better? I don’t know which way to turn. My faith is dying. My soul is dry. I cry out to You and feel better in the moment, only to return to my wilderness of sorrow the next day. I feel that I can’t go on, but yet I must. I know I can’t give up, but I have no strength to fight. I need peace, love, and joy. I need strength. I need someone to talk to. I need a best friend. I need a revival in my spirit. I pray for these things, but they never come.

I feel like David crying out in the wilderness, or Job sobbing for 20-something chapters with no reply from You. Please help me. Please give me love, joy, and peace. I was there once. I had it all once. Please forgive me for not appreciating what I had. Please give me another chance. Thank you, Lord, for all that you have given me and for all that you’ve done. I ask these things of you in Jesus’ name, amen.

Yolanda

Published by

Apostolic Momma

Single mother of four children living in Washington state. Received the precious Holy Ghost on June 7, 2011 and living the good life ever since!

4 thoughts on “Ramblings from the Wilderness-Part One”

  1. I see so much strength in this letter of yours! When you mentioned how you were jealous of people who had a loving relationship and have been together for a very long time, it brought me back to when I was a child – I so wanted to have a mom and a dad who loved each other so unconditionally that divorce would never be an option, and I still want that even for my future children. Keep letting God’s light shine down on you and everything happens for a reason✨💗

    Liked by 1 person

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