All these letters I’ve been posting lately really make me realize how broken I was for five years. Today on the way to church I was listening to “Waymaker”– which, by the way, is one of my favorite songs, and if you’ve never heard it, I highly suggest you take a listen- and I was thinking back about how God has been working in my life.
One part of the song says,
“Even when I don’t feel it, you’re working.
Even when I don’t see it, you’re working.
You never stop, you never stop working.”
That part really resonates with me because oftentimes, I can’t feel or see God at work, but I know he never stops working.
A Promise from God
After I got to church, I was praying, and I felt so sad and disappointed in myself that I was in such a bad place for five years and I wished I could give all that time back to God. I felt like He spoke to my heart and said, “I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten”. I have read this verse (Joel 2:25) before and even heard sermons preached on it, but to hear it whispered to my spirit gave it new life.
Not only did I lose five years to depression and bitterness, my kids had to witness all of it. I tried to hold it together when they were around, but I often lashed out at them, taking my frustration and anger at being “wronged” and placing it on them. I also lost my marriage, and the kids lost their dad. I often feel like our little world will stay broken forever, but God says he will restore the years.
What this restoration will look like, I don’t know. He has already restored my joy! Sure, I have bad days, but it’s not every minute of the day like before. I believe all of this has happened for a reason, and like my pastor said this morning, I can sit here and try to figure out why something happened five years ago, or I can live for today and choose to be happy in this moment- trusting that God will give me a hope and a future. I choose to let go and let God.