Fragments – Page 3 – Apostolic Momma

Ramblings from the Wilderness- Part Four

barren wilderness with blue sky and small, desert trees

If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.

August 12, 2015

Dear Jesus,

Today I am so tired. So worn out. So burned out. So frustrated. So give out. I desperately want to send my kids to a friend’s house and just do nothing for like three days. No work, no cleaning, nothing! Sometimes I just want to lie down and die. I work so hard and wear myself out but never get ahead. I’m always behind on bills, and I can never do anything fun with my kids.

Ramblings from the Wilderness- Part Three

If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.

July 2, 2015

Dear Jesus,

I’m so tired of feeling hopeless. I hate my life. I know I shouldn’t say that, but I do. I am so joyless, better, and angry all the time. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I dream of just lying down to die. I just want to give up. I don’t see the point. I feel defeated.

Ramblings from the Wilderness- Part Two

*If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.

June 25, 2015

Dear Jesus,

I’m finding it harder and harder to find someone to relate to me. I always feel like I’m a burden or a pest when I try to talk to other people about my problems. I used to feel as though I could tell my friends anything and they would listen and give me advice. But now it seems they are just listening to be nice and are tired of hearing from me. I can’t say that I blame them. I’m tired of myself and my same old problems too. So, I guess I will just use this time of friendless solitude to take my problems to the Lord, and hopefully change some things. Maybe that’s what God wants me to do, why he’s he has removed all my friends. Who knows? Problems I need to address:

Ramblings from the Wilderness-Part One

desert wilderness with red sand and two small mountains

*If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.

No date- circa 2015

Dear Jesus,

I feel so alone, empty, and joyless. I don’t quite know what’s wrong with me, and I sure don’t know how to fix it. I know you see me as I drive to and from work. I just sit there staring off into space with this void in my soul. This is how I truly feel- empty. I feel that the life has been sucked out of me. Like all hope is gone. I feel so lost. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I don’t know how to take care of my kids. I don’t know how we are going to survive.

Ramblings from the Wilderness- Intro

barren wilderness at night with a small wooden sign written in a foreign language

This is a collection of seven letters that I wrote to God during a very, very dark time in my life. The purpose for publishing these letters is not to get sympathy but rather to give you a look into the mind of someone with mental illness and help the world realize that looks can be deceiving.

Just a Memory

two shadow-like figures walking down a desert road at sunset

I remember my first friend in kindergarten, Kelly Veach. I also remember my first crush at five years old, Scotty.

Carry

I remember once at Six Flags, waiting in a line for 45 minutes or so. I was about 14 years old, and there was a boy named Carry that my cousin and I were flirting with.

Seek Ye First

a blur of people rushing across a busy, city street

I think I have finally figured out what my problem is: I’m addicted to self-improvement.

I don’t know when it first started, but I think it was probably about seven years ago after I had my fourth child. I hardly liked anything about myself. I didn’t like my body, I didn’t feel like I was a good enough mom or wife, I yelled too much, etc.

You Never Forget

black and white. woman with face hidden by her hair looking out a window

The year 2003 is a dead tie (with 2014) for the worst year of my life. At the start of the year, I was a 24-year-old, married mother of two. By mid-June, I was a divorced, weekend parent living in a cheap motel.

All I had to show for my six-year marriage was a couple trash bags of clothes and a box of personal belongings. Eventually, I acquired an old station wagon with 300,000 miles on it and I figured it was cheaper to live in my car- so that’s what I did.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

field full of yellow tulips and one red tulip

December 13, 2018

Last night, I was having a conversation with Joe* about a sensitive issue for me and about how I have prayed and prayed about not only this issue but many others. He tried to encourage me, as he always does, but I went to my room feeling sorry for myself.

I tried to pray, but instead poured my frustrations out to God. I even called myself names and told God how worthless I was for not being able to change myself into the woman and mother I want to be. I have had this conversation many, many times with God, but tonight He gave me a word.

What Makes Us Human?

black and white. close up of a face showing one eye.

July 12, 2013

Back in my nursing school days, I had a homework question:

” What about our DNA makes us human?”

Moral Conscience

My answer- “Although I have read about and agree with the physical, human characteristics produced by DNA, I believe what truly makes us human is so much more than that. The most intriguing of these traits, to me, is our ‘moral conscience’.