prayer – Apostolic Momma

Still Alive

I haven’t written anything in over a year. I promise, I’m still alive. Life has just been… life. Nothing spectacular or horrible, just life.

My best friend had a baby. My kids are finishing up the school year. My youngest child will officially become a teenager tomorrow (Lord, help me). My granddaughter will be four in a couple of weeks. We are visiting Ireland in July. My daughter starts driver’s ed this year (Lord, help us all).

Honestly, I feel like I’m in a slump. A rut. Stagnate. I used to be motivated to write all the time. Inspiration would come from everywhere. I truly believe most of my inspiration came from the Holy Ghost. Now, I never feel motivated or inspired to do anything but take a nap. Maybe I’m just getting old, or maybe I’ve tuned God out.

Falling in Love with Jesus

The other day, I saw a video that was talking about how God sometimes won’t answer our prayer because we’ve made an idol out of the thing we want. She went on to explain how God often won’t give us what we want if we want it more than Him. So, what we need to do is take our desire off a pedestal and put God back at the top where He belongs. There is a song called “Clear the Stage”, and the lyrics echo the message in the video:

Anything I put before my God is an idol.
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol.
And anything I can’t stop thinking of is an idol.
And anything that I give all my love is an idol.

We had church later, and while I was praying, I felt like the Holy Ghost was telling me I needed to get back to my first love. I used to get so excited to go to church; I loved it so much. I loved God and all the things of God, but lately my love has gotten cold.

I Lack Nothing

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for the season of Lent to remind us to draw closer to you. I have struggled in my relationship with you. I don’t know if it’s because I never had a close relationship with my father, or what. I have the desire to have a closer walk with you, but I don’t know how to get there. I pray, read my Bible, pay my tithe, and go to church, but it seems like that’s not enough. What more is there? What am I missing?

Pray Specific Prayers

I was reading the other day in Genesis 24 about the story of how Isaac met Rebekah. Isaac’s servant was looking for a wife for Isaac and went to the well in Nahor. He knelt and prayed, “God, when I find the right woman, let all these things come to pass. The woman to whom I say, ‘Let down your pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink,’ she will say, ‘Drink and I will water thy camels also.’ Let her be the one you have appointed for your servant Isaac, and then I will know you have shown kindness to my master.”

And the next verse says, “And it came to pass before he had even done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out.” She just came out of nowhere… quickly! And you know the story, he said, “I pray that you give me something to drink,” and she said, “Drink my Lord and I will draw water for thy camels also.” Verse twenty-one says he was just watching her and held his peace wondering if the Lord had answered his prayer.

Pretty Prayers

A dear sister at church gave all of us ladies a prayer journal during ladies’ prayer last month. It is pink, and she affixed a Bible verse to the front of it: Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. (Jeremiah 33:3)

The journal got me thinking about prayer. For the longest time, I rarely prayed because I thought I didn’t know how. When I was a child, prayers were something we memorized and repeated such as, “Now I lay me down to sleep…” When in church, we would all bow our heads at the end of service and the pastor would pray while the rest of us were silent. Even the “prayer of salvation” was often a set prayer repeated by the one seeking deliverance.

A Globus Among Us

I’m feeling some kind of way today. It’s Friday, so I should be happy. But I’ve had this strange feeling in my throat when I swallow for eleven days now. Everything I’ve Googled points to a benign condition called “globus sensation”, which is literally just a feeling that your throat is tight or has something stuck in it with no underlying cause. It generally lasts a couple of days to several months. Awesome—just what I need to add to my growing list of annoying, insignificant ailments.

I got prayed for last night at church and have been praying every day for healing. But, as usual, I can’t shake the feeling that it is caused by something more sinister. I am keenly aware that I have a fair amount of health anxiety, better known as good ol’ hypochondria. I guess being a nurse and having a wealth of health knowledge of what things could be doesn’t help.

In times past (like, a couple of months ago), I would quickly make a doctor’s appointment and get things checked out. But this time, I’m inclined to trust God and give Him time to work on my healing. If you remember me during your prayer time today, please say a little prayer for me and my throat—and my health anxiety. I truly desire to be free of both! Have a fabulous Friday, everyone, and an awesome weekend.

Don’t Be a Hoarder

I used to love to watch the TV show, Hoarders. It always made me feel better knowing that my house wasn’t nearly as bad as theirs. Most times, you could look at the house from the outside and see that there was likely something wrong on the inside. Their hoard would spill over into their yard and driveway. But sometimes, the house looked good from the outside. The grass was mowed, there was no junk or debris, no cars up on blocks, nothing out of the ordinary. But the inside of the house was a totally different story.

Lord, I’m Ready Now

So there I was, having a rough night and lamenting to my friend, asking, “When is God going to send me someone??” Boohoo… Rather than further exhaust my poor friend with my pitiful life-woos, I decided to go pray about it. I am so glad I did.

After about thirty minutes of pleading my case to God, I admitted to Him that I was also jealous of how other people can pray the way I only wish I could. Then I remembered a picture someone posted today that said, “No shortcuts exist. The person who would know God must give time to Him.”

Suddenly, it hit me like a ton of bricks: Why would God bless someone whom He doesn’t even know? Sure, He knows of me. I go to church every service and sing in the choir. My kids go to the church school, and I pay tithes. I go to prayer meetings and church workdays. But does He know me?

Imposter Syndrome

I have been struggling for the past ten years or so with feeling like an imposter. I know that on June 7, 2011, God filled me with the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues. However, for whatever reason, I’ve rarely been able to speak/pray in tongues since the initial month or so. The capability quite literally disappeared one day; it seems.

When I try to pray, thoughts like “You don’t have the Holy Ghost”, “You aren’t saved”, “You’re not like everyone else”, “If you die, you’re going to hell”, “You’re a fake Apostolic” … and more run through my head. Only my pastor and a handful of others know about this issue until now. Maybe this will help someone to know that you are not alone if this is your struggle too.

Ain’t God Good?!

I was in prayer today when the thought of my parents came into my spirit. I thank God they are now friends after 40 years of no communication. Suddenly a well of thankfulness rose up in me, and I began to weep. You see, my parents divorced when I was two; and my whole life, I have no memory of them even speaking to each other–let alone being in the same room.