depression – Page 2 – Apostolic Momma

Ramblings from the Wilderness- Part Four

barren wilderness with blue sky and small, desert trees

If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.

August 12, 2015

Dear Jesus,

Today I am so tired. So worn out. So burned out. So frustrated. So give out. I desperately want to send my kids to a friend’s house and just do nothing for like three days. No work, no cleaning, nothing! Sometimes I just want to lie down and die. I work so hard and wear myself out but never get ahead. I’m always behind on bills, and I can never do anything fun with my kids.

Ramblings from the Wilderness- Part Three

If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.

July 2, 2015

Dear Jesus,

I’m so tired of feeling hopeless. I hate my life. I know I shouldn’t say that, but I do. I am so joyless, better, and angry all the time. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I dream of just lying down to die. I just want to give up. I don’t see the point. I feel defeated.

Ramblings from the Wilderness- Part Two

*If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.

June 25, 2015

Dear Jesus,

I’m finding it harder and harder to find someone to relate to me. I always feel like I’m a burden or a pest when I try to talk to other people about my problems. I used to feel as though I could tell my friends anything and they would listen and give me advice. But now it seems they are just listening to be nice and are tired of hearing from me. I can’t say that I blame them. I’m tired of myself and my same old problems too. So, I guess I will just use this time of friendless solitude to take my problems to the Lord, and hopefully change some things. Maybe that’s what God wants me to do, why he’s he has removed all my friends. Who knows? Problems I need to address:

Ramblings from the Wilderness-Part One

desert wilderness with red sand and two small mountains

*If you haven’t already, please go back and read the intro. These letters will make much more sense if you read the intro first, thanks.

No date- circa 2015

Dear Jesus,

I feel so alone, empty, and joyless. I don’t quite know what’s wrong with me, and I sure don’t know how to fix it. I know you see me as I drive to and from work. I just sit there staring off into space with this void in my soul. This is how I truly feel- empty. I feel that the life has been sucked out of me. Like all hope is gone. I feel so lost. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I don’t know how to take care of my kids. I don’t know how we are going to survive.

Ramblings from the Wilderness- Intro

barren wilderness at night with a small wooden sign written in a foreign language

This is a collection of seven letters that I wrote to God during a very, very dark time in my life. The purpose for publishing these letters is not to get sympathy but rather to give you a look into the mind of someone with mental illness and help the world realize that looks can be deceiving.

15 Verses for the Hard Days

woman curled up on a bed with her face hidden by her arm

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for about 19 years. Recently, it got to a very scary place where life felt completely meaningless. Not only my life, but all life in general (but that is another post for another day).

My pastor introduced me to Nouthetic counseling and asked me to look up and memorize 20 verses on “the mind”. I wrote these on index cards and carried them around until I memorized them. Most of them are very familiar verses, but some may be new to you. I hope they help.

Choices

watercolor mountain background with text:
Most often, a broken heart isn't our choice. But a broken spirit usually is. -Yolanda Sommers

Like the saying goes- “you can’t choose what happens to you, but you can choose how you react.”

Just a Glimmer

flower background with text:
A glimmer of hope is better than any anti-depressant I've ever been on! -Yolanda Sommers

I Have This Hope is my story about the depths of depression and finding hope through God’s word.

I’ve Been There

black and white. person in the dark peeking through a light-filled hole in the wall.

May 2, 2019

Listen, I’ve been there. Maybe not exactly where you are, but there. I’ve suffered with anorexia and told myself I was fat and worthless for eating fruit while wearing a size 3. I’ve been physically, mentally, and emotionally abused while being made to feel like I was the bad one.

Lost custody of my kids then told I was a horrible mother for it. Locked myself in the bathroom and cut my arms while my older kids screamed and cried, pounding on the door.

I Have This Hope

hand sticking out of water holding a sparkler

April 26, 2019

What is it that causes someone to exhale with relief when finally given a diagnosis after many tests and doctor visits? Why do we feel almost joyous when we find someone who is going through the same thing in life as us? What is it that instantly makes the clouds lift and the colors bright again?

It’s hope.