Last night, I was having a conversation with Joe* about a sensitive issue for me and about how I have prayed and prayed about not only this issue but many others. He tried to encourage me, as he always does, but I went to my room feeling sorry for myself.
I tried to pray, but instead poured my frustrations out to God. I even called myself names and told God how worthless I was for not being able to change myself into the woman and mother I want to be. I have had this conversation many, many times with God, but tonight He gave me a word.
Today I was praying, and just fell silent before the Lord. I often do this, just sit in silence and listen. Today I feel like God was telling me, “You can’t take it with you.” So many times, I feel “less than” compared to some of my friends. Wishing I could bake or cook like this one, or dress or decorated like that one.
But today, I feel like… what good is all that? Sure, it’s nice to have nice things or have a nicely decorated home. Nice clothes, nice house, or a nice car, but you can’t take it with you. It might make me happy for a little bit. But soon, I will get tired of those clothes, bored with the decor, the car will get trashed… why bother?
This morning, James said, “I think I’ve lost weight.” I told him surely he hasn’t and told him to get on the scale. Sure enough, he had gained 2 pounds and is now 39 pounds. He looked very sad and started to cry. I asked why he was sad and crying. He just shrugged his shoulders like he didn’t know.
Back in my nursing school days, I had a homework question:
” What about our DNA makes us human?”
My answer- “Although I have read about and agree with the physical, human characteristics produced by DNA, I believe what truly makes us human is so much more than that. The most intriguing of these traits, to me, is our ‘moral conscience’.
Listen, I’ve been there. Maybe not exactly where you are, but there. I’ve suffered with anorexia and told myself I was fat and worthless for eating fruit while wearing a size 3. I’ve been physically, mentally, and emotionally abused while being made to feel like I was the bad one.
Lost custody of my kids then told I was a horrible mother for it. Locked myself in the bathroom and cut my arms while my older kids screamed and cried, pounding on the door.
My five-year-old was sitting in the bathtub and I was standing there playing on my phone waiting for the tub to fill. And then something told me to put the phone down and go hang out with my son. So, I sat next to the tub on the floor. He just looked at me with his huge brown eyes and smiled and I started to cry.
What is it that causes someone to exhale with relief when finally given a diagnosis after many tests and doctor visits? Why do we feel almost joyous when we find someone who is going through the same thing in life as us? What is it that instantly makes the clouds lift and the colors bright again?